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Comment by Susie-Marie on December 20, 2012 at 8:43pm

Hello dear friends,

The lovely Lady Estelle has requested that I post a few of my etiquette posts from my group, Modern Victoria here for all of you lovely ladies to enjoy as well. You are welcome to join my group. I have been granted Lady Estelle's generous permission to post a link to it here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/modernvictoria/

This post is adapted from various websites, blogs, and books I have on Victorian etiquette.

The Victorians took the rules of propriety very seriously. It is who they were. If any single individual did not conform, they were considered outcasts in proper society.

The educating of young women would not be complete without the teachings of refined deportment. Social living and decorum was as much a part of their curriculum as are math, literature and other academic subjects. There have been many books written to instruct both young women and men on the proper rules of conduct. They know that proper conduct and decorum is not only a measure of social standing and success, but was necessary to be looked upon as a means of entering the growing upper classes.

Victorians were generally considered to be perfectionists and the fact that one has material goods and money does not insure them a place in "The Most Refined Society". Thousands turned to instruction manuals for advice. In the earlier part of the century, these manuals were filled with strong religious overtones which attempted to mold the moral character of their young readers. But the second half of the century brought with it a different type of advice; manuals more focused on all-purpose household advice than social etiquette.

Still manuals such as "The Habits of Good Society: A Handbook of Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen", Hills' "The Essential Handbook of Victorian Etiquette" and "A Guide to the Manners, Etiquette, and Deportment of the Most Refined Society" defined the proper etiquette in all types of social situations (engagements, weddings, conversation, table manners, visiting, etc.)

Some basic Victorian etiquette rules are:

1) Learn to govern yourself and to be gentle and patient.
2) Never speak or act in anger.
3) Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable.
4) Learn to speak in a gentle tone of voice.
5) Learn to say kind and pleasant things when opportunity offers.
6) Do not neglect little things if they can affect the comfort of others.
7) Learn to deny yourself and prefer others.
8) Beware of meddlers and tale bearers.
9) Try to only speak kindly of others and avoid gossipers.
10) never stop learning and improving upon yourself.

If you wish to test your knowledge of Victorian etiquette, the McCord-Museum in Quebec has an excellent role-playing game: http://www.mccord-museum.qc.ca/en/keys/games/game_0/

Sincerely,

Susie-Marie

Comment by Elizabeth Wallis on March 2, 2012 at 12:52am

I am currently reading a book about how real life functioned in the typical Victorian/Edwardian home.  It is one which is entitled: "The Real Life Downton Abbey" by Jacky Hyams.

Although one knows how much more restricted one's life must have been in those days - it is a horrifying eye-opener to read just how much  it was restricted by rules, rules and more rules!  For both Servants and the Families they served!

It wasn't only about etiquette - there were so many other areas in which one had to 'do the right thing'!  Everything, from how a room was cleaned by the Lady's maid, to who could be present in a single room at a time. A servant could not be friendly with their employers,or for that matter, with members of the opposite sex! Even just how friendly they could be even amongst themselves given the hierarchy which was in place.  

The family were no better off - since their lives were no different!  Imagine as a the Mistress of the home (or any other young lady in the home!) having to submit to having your garments changed abut 5 to 6 times a day?  And I'm sure not one of these times took less than half an hour to achieve and probably more!  

And then.... you would have the time it took to carry out your 'duties'.  Consulting with the housekeeper and Cook - having your meals (which would have consumed a fair amount of the hours of your day, given the amount of food and the formality with which they was served).  Calling on your friends or well known establishments in order to be 'seen', visiting friends for Tea (and one could quite possibly need to do this at more than one home, in one afternoon - as taking Tea would not last politely longer than half an hour.  Seeing your children, if you had any.  And then, there might have been charities, social involvements both private and formal.  Possibly when the High Season was in, attending balls, or going to the Theatre!

And, one simply had to be 'seen' to fit into your society!  You were 'on show' all the time you were out and about to ensure this!  You owed it to your husband and your heritage!

And .... all the time... you would be surrounded by people!  Whether it was the people you socialised with or your servants!  Very rarely, would you be truly 'alone'!

I would see this all as extremely 'exhausting'!  No wonder frequently, Ladies were 'not at home'!

 

Comment by Elizabeth Wallis on July 18, 2011 at 2:48am

I came across a very interesting item of information - and just wondered whether any of the Ladies wre aware tha during the Victorian era (and indeed stetching back as far as Elizabethan Times... even Ladies enjoyed the game of billiards?  Some very famous personages in fact, amongst them Marie Antoinette played this game.  Today, we seem to view this very much a man's game although many young people are starting to change this perception, as both sexes enjoy this game now!  I personally have learnt to appreciate this game - with my daughters when they were younger (on their instigation!) and also recently, with my great nephew and niece!  I must admit that the game is a good excercise in accuracy, and definately teaches eye-hand co-ordination!  Perhaps we have been missing out on something here, Ladies!  Here is an illustration  of 3 Ladies enjoying the game in the 1880's!

Comment by Elizabeth Wallis on May 3, 2011 at 1:13am

Perhaps the Gentleman who was so distainful of seeing Ladies having their tea in public would have preferred that those Ladies would continue to have their tea times more conventionally - as these two above can be seen - at home and out of public sight!  Thankfully for us, Ladies continued to take tea in public - and so we have passed down to us, this wonderful pleasure time with friends, which we can still indulge in and celebrate today!  Hooray!!! 

Comment by Lady Estelle on May 2, 2011 at 5:53pm

Wow, very interesting!

Comment by Elizabeth Wallis on May 2, 2011 at 12:21pm

I came across this article - which I just wanted to share here.  It smacks a little of chauvanism, and is rather critical of "Ladies taking Tea in public"!

Luncheon Places and tea Rooms for Ladies

 

The business of public refreshment for ladies shows some signs of merging itself in one of national interest. Common-place as it may at first sight appear, it is one, nevertheless indicating gravity. Women are proposing, and very properly, to have their say in this matter. It is no longer the trivial one, very easily comprehended, of “rubbing shoulders” with a parcel of male persons in public restaurants. It is the far weightier one, less readily understood, of women’s emancipation of which we are told it is quite too idle to talk, til “woman” herself is prepared to give up buns and tea!
Truly, buns and tea suggest no food convenient for me; nor indeed any very inviting variety to the English national chop, albeit served from a silver grill along with vegetables, bread and cheese.
But let that pass.
The Daily News – and the Daily News is of honourable report – says that a want of dignity and character has been discovered in the hitherto (as most of us had supposed) comforting sight of
“A lot of women seated at marble-topped tables, munching dyspepsia-breeding cake, and sipping unwholesome tea from thick white bowls conventionally known as tea-cups.”

The cup of tea, and stodgy bun, or pallid scone (with due modicum as may be supposed of creamless butter), are held to correspond to the male persons’ whiskey-and-soda; and are as concretely ruinous of digestion as “coker-nut chips” and “chewing-gum.”

The article was apparently reported in a 1893 edition ot a handbook entititled:  "London of Today:  An Illustrated Book for This Season, and for All Seasons

Comment by Elizabeth Wallis on February 22, 2011 at 10:29am

So pleased to be included in this group Lady Estelle!  I read everything remotely related to the Victorian and Edwardian Era - and like you believe I was born into the wrong era.  My grandmother was a housekeeper for a wealthy family in the village where she was born - so yes, I could see in real life terms I would have been a maid too!  But, I can assure you I would much rather have been the mistress of the house! :)

Comment by Lady Estelle on June 14, 2010 at 10:26am

I am sure that if I was born in that era, I would have been a lady's maid.

Comment by Norma Tumlin on June 14, 2010 at 9:04am

This is a nice oicture of you. You look like a proper ladies maid.

Comment by Mark on June 14, 2010 at 8:41am

Thank you lady for posting this.

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